a man walks into a bar. he has a frog sitting on top of his head. barkeep looks him up and down, then asks "whats up with that?" and the frog says "well, it all started as a wart on my ass!"

a priest was driving down the road when he came upon a huge dead pig that had been hit by a car. he called 911, told them he was a priest, and reported the dead pig as a traffic hazzard. the cop jokingly asked "did you read him his last rites?" "no" replied the priest, "i called his next of kin!!!"

you don't need a parachute to go skydiving ... you need a parachute to go skydiving twice!

a guy walks into a bar. place is almose empty, just the barkeep and one customer sitting down at the end of the bar. the guy sits down at the bar and doesn't say anything. barkeep walks over and asks "would you like a drink?" the guy smiles, and says "sure, could you make it a double?" "you bet" says the barkeep, pours a double shot, and sits it on the bar. the guy picks up the drink and downs it. "that'll be 7.50" says the barkeep. "oh no" answers the guy. "you asked me if i would like a drink, and i merely accepted your offer. i didn't ask for anything." "what the ..." the barkeep asks, "i never heard anything like that before!" barkeep turns to the other customer and asks "did you ever hear of anything like that?'' "well, " the customer replied, "i am a lawyer, and technically, he is correct. he didn't ask for anything, you asked him, and he accepted your offer." barkeep looks back at the first guy and says "get the hell out of my bar and don't ever come back!" guy walks out of the bar. five minutes later, he walks back in. same hat, same shirt, same guy. barkeep says "didn't i just tell you to scram and never come back in here?" "why no, i dont recall that at all" says the guy. "oh" says the barkeep, "i guess you want another free drink, too!" the guy smiles and says "sure, and since they are free, how about one for my lawyer buddy down there!"

a guy walks into his local gym, and sees a bunch of young ladies working out. he goes over to the manager and asks "which machine should i use to impress these ladies?" the manager replies "try the ATM out in the lobby, that gets their attention every time!"