It is written some people come into our lives for a reason and some for a season.   I have also noticed some do us great good and others cause us unbearable pain, but either way everyone can make us stronger and wiser.   If we learn from them.   The first man I ever really loved was a man named Marc.   Marc was a teacher.   When I first met him he was 80% of what I had looked for my whole life.   It was the other 20% that screwed it up.   When I met Marc he was kind understanding and gentle, little did I know beneath the layers larked a darker meaner more sadistic side.   Marc taught me a few things he taught me to play literati.   He taught me to forgive.   I really think you could have walked up to him and shot him in the chest with a gun and if you said sorry I believe he would have forgiven you.   He also taught me that when you want something desperately it can be pulled away from you at a whim.  

     I wanted Marc to come back to Pa he would not do it, even though he asked me to marry him he would not come back to Pa.   When he realized I would not go to where he was his feelings changed toward me.   He became mentally abusive.   I spent months proving I did not do all kinds of things he accused me of.    I found out later on one of the things he tortured me about they ( he and our other friends) had know I did not do nearly the whole time.   Marc's best friend told me the truth on that.   They did not know he was still harassing me about it.   In his mind it was some kind of warped justice for things he thought I did.   In point of fact I actually did do a few of them but other things I was accused of I did not do.   He left me with post traumatic stress disorder that nearly drove me to suicide.  But because he had taught me to forgive there came a point I was able to forgive him.   At the end of his life we were friends and I was able to morn him.   I also have a moonstone pendent he made in a craft class and sent me to remember him by.   All though his treatment of me nearly drove me to kill myself, another friend stepped forward from the shadows and saved me.

   Mike was someone I played pool with from time to time.   When I was in the deep depression caused by Marc's abuse Mike stepped forward from the shadows and lead me to mare stable mental  ground.   Mike was supportive and he watched out for me and protected me when others tried to drive me away.   It is amazing where you angle will come from, especially when I met Mike he was on a straight outa hell id.   I will never be able to pay him back for what he did for me he did what my closest friends could not do.   He knew and understood when someone is broken inside you do not smash the pieces with a hammer and through them away you get out the emotional glue and help them put their selves back together.    After a decade he is still my friend.   Even though I did a few really stupid things over the years Mike always forgave me.  Like Marc taught me if someone says sorry you forgive.    These two friends are at the opposite ends of the friend spectrum, one nearly killed me and the other saved me.  The thing is knowing them both made me stronger.

     No one can say which has the greater impact good deeds or evil ones but they are both part of who we are.   Without them we would not be who we are for better of for worse.

     Any one ever see ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE?   It is a really old Christmas movie that gives a man thinking of suicide a chance to see how those he loved would have had different lives if he was never born, and how their personalities would be different.  Whether we realize it or not everything we do effects someone.   We may not know who or how but it does.   We all have the chance to change others lives either for the better or the worse.   We can pile onto their burdens till it crushes them or we can be real friends and help them carry it.

     That brings me to another Marc story.   Marc had an on line harem. lol Nearly every girl in literati would go to SL 12   and most of them ended up on Marc's table.   I remember the night I realized people you meet on line are not just (net)  that there are real people attached to every computer.   It was a night Marc and Ruth were arguing>   Ruth was very special to me at that time she knew things about me my own family does not know.  I really wanted to play lit with both of them but Ruth would not come in cause she was mad at him.   I said to her I understand and does not matter if they ever settled it or not I would still be BOTH of their friends.   Next thing I knew Ruth's id was on the table.   I was so happy, and surprised.   I said Ruth you came.   She said yes I came for you just for you.    At that point Marc said what does that mean and    Ruth and I both typed in at the same time I had asked her to come and she did cause friends do things for friends.   It was at that point Marc said to Ruth that he would like to just forget their fight if it was ok with her.   She forgave him and we spent the rest of the night playing literati together.   That night I realized only a real friend will put your wants and needs before their own, and these were my real friends.   That was part of the reason it hurt so bad when Marc turned on me about a year later and kept accusing me of things I did not do.   I knew I was losing a friend.

     The odd thing about friendships is they can be rebuilt even after extreme damage IF ALL WANT IT TO BE SO.   Marc and I did that is why on the anniversary of his death I can morn my friend Marc instead of celebrating the death of the man that mentally abused me.

     There was another man I had know sense I was a child.   He was a friend of the family and we all trusted him.   He would not have lived as long as he did if my mom had know what he did.    It was more important to me to have my mom with me than it was to see him punished for what he did, but I celebrate every year he is dead and burning in hell. 

     I was fortunate I found people that saw the inner me the good me the one worth saving and they threw me a rope when I was falling into a pit of disappear.  

     Lately I have been thinking a lot about many different subjects, so if my mind wonders I am sorry.   I have been thinking about what a waist my life has been.  Most of it because of illness but the rest because of lack of courage.   Every time I think I may see a light at the end of the tunnel someone causes a landslide to fall on my head.   I do not know what hurts more what has already happened or what I know is going to happen and am powerless to stop.   Way I see it there are 2 paths for me.   One where I rise above the stupid things in my life that keep pulling me down and depressed and 2 I let it all bury me and just curl up and die under the weight.  

     Here lately I have been very fragile so I am not sure I am strong enough to dig out.   I had someone offer me a shovel a couple nights ago, I do not know if they did it out of caring for me or because or what they know I could do for them if I were free from this emotional prison.   I used to have such good instants about people but lately I can feel my instincts failing me.  

     I always felt we were here to help others and help each other  along life's rocky road , but lately I feel like I have been beaten down by those rocks thrown at me by people I once loved.   I am beginning to wonder if I should do what so many have told me to do and forget about other peoples needs and only look after my own.   It does not seem like those I care about care a bout me.   If they did I would not have to do all the work to keep them as friends.   I am just so damn tired.

I was going to dedicate this blog to what friends mean to me and how I pick mine, but I think this will be better.   I am not on this id a lot because there are some really sad memories on this id of lost friends, some died some walked away.  When I signed in I found several friend requests from  eaglei . I also found 4 personal messages and they are as follows:

  hello I like to be your friends yes or no and good lucky on all your games

hello I like to be your friends yes or no  and good lucky in all your game

do you want me for your friends yes or no  and good lucky on your games to

if you don't want me for your friends you good said good by to me

eaglei   had no way of knowing I am not on this profile a lot because it is emotionally painful to me, and because of that I had not seen his friend requests or his messages till this very hour.   Had I actually seen them before I may have made the add, but we will never know now as it appears I have hurt his feelings and he has put me on ignore.   I am basing that on the fact I could not send him a private message or see anything on his profile, and when I did click accept on one of the friend requests it did not take, and all the others stopped having the accept button on them.   

     If he had been a little more patient until I came back to my page he would have seen I added him.   What I have instead is some old messages and a wondering of weather we could have been friends.   I don't know but if any of you have eaglei  on your friends list maybe you can tell him the reason I did not accept his friend request was I had not gotten them till it was too late and he blocked me.   I feel bad I hurt his feelings without knowing I did it till now.

Apparently this blog has hurt the person it was about that was not my intent.  My intent was to make it clear why I did it this way and here is more proof why.   When I tried to reply to the private messages he sent me this is what I got >

Your message will not be accepted by user: eaglei.      <    so apparently he has blocked me from contacting him.   I find this interesting because he sent me 4 new private messages yet he refuses my replies.   So my best suggestion is for eaglei to stop sending me private messages that he does not allow me to reply to and we can BOTH forget we ever met.

     I am starting to get to the place where I hate men.   What is wrong with men today.   They do not go to the doctor when they are ill they would rather let you be all worked up and worried about them?   They think they should be able to treat you any way they want but you can not treat them the same way.   Then there are the ones that want to control everything you do weather  it concerns them or not.   And speaking of things not concerning them what about the ones that have always got to know where you are going who you are talking to and what you are talking about.   I know this one guy he runs around stirring up drama with anyone stupid enough to listen to his gossip.    I was there one day when he told my neighbor something about one of her friends and she got mad.   When he left I said to her are you serious?  She would not do that.   I was annoyed with her believing the lie he told her about her friend.   I knew the girl he lied on well enough to know she would not do that so how the heck could she not know it was a lie.   She claimed she was the other girls best friend and yet she does not know her well enough to know a lie about her when she hears it.    

     I was talking to a friend tonight and he said he was having trouble breathing.   His health has not been well and he has been in the hospital a couple times for serious problems.    I am scared he is having a stroke and he will not go to the hospital.   I told him to call an ambulance and go.    I got the impression he is scared to go alone.   I know that feeling, but if it came to maybe having a stroke and not living anymore I want to think I would be able to get enough courage to go to the hospital.   Men make me so mad when they act like that.

     Have you ever noticed how many people long dead really knew about the world today?   Lets look at William Shakespeare  for starters.   He knew young love gets too serious too fast look at Romeo and Juliet  gone in their teens because they could not see there is more to life then a first love.   One of my favorite quotes from Mr. Shakespeare is:  How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child! "   Truer words were never spoken.   Kids today have no sense of gratitude to those that work and sacrifice for them to make their world better for them, to try to make sure they are happy.   Many parents even continue to take care of their thankless children into the parents old age, and still the kids do not care.   They think it is all owed to them. 

      Socrates had this to say about the youth of his day and it is still true today:  “Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”    < I could not have said it better.    However I fear the youth are not all to blame for how they are.   The older generation of today would rather use pills or alcohol  rather then deal with the real issues of the world.   I have had 2 different people this week alone suggest to me that I take medicine to deal with the fact I am upset by people saying mean things to me.  I guess they think if I take pills it will deaden the pain of having people I care about hurt me.   I think if the older generation was more in touch maybe the younger generation would have better values.