It sucks to be insecure like me.   A perfect example of that is tonight.   I really feel like I was being excluded tonight.   It was a friend of mines birthday.   I did not know it.   I had talked to his sister earlier n the evening and no one told me.   I stumbled into his brother in law giving him a birthday tournament.  I had talked to his brother in law just a few minutes before.   I myself was trying to run a tourney in another room for the same league, and not one damn person that was in that room or that tourney imed me to tell me I was in the wrong room or that a birthday tourney was going on.   I find this really odd considering they have actually called me on the phone for less.  My insecurity is flaring up all over the place.   Wheather it was intentional or by accident I really felt excluded from it all, like they did not want me there.   This feeling was intensified  when only 2 people spoke to me when I got to the room and saw like 6 people there, and only 2 spoke to me even after I spoke to everyone.   Then another person came in and said to me I thought you rant the birthday tourneys.  I do but no one told me today was his birthday.   I felt like nothing like I was worthless when he said that.   It was just a little statement basically not meaning anything, but it cut into my heart like a knife.   Rather then make a big thing out of it I just excused myself and left.   Insecurity is a killer.

     I have been told I am paranoid, but I say it is not paranoia if someone REALLY IS OUT TO GET YOU.   If you have someone running around telling other people things about you that they do not tell you to your face it is not paranoia.   I also have someone that thinks he can control everything I say and do and he is in for a big surprise.   There was only one person who could do that sense I became an adult and he is not him.   I got to love how this psychotic bitch that is out to get me has manipulated the men in our lives.   She plays them like a fiddle.   Wonder if the song would still be so sweet to their ears if they knew what I know about her.   I am just waiting to see what will happen if things settle back down so I can too nothing bad will happen, but if they do not my life and everyone around me will have life changing events happening.  

     When I am convicted and sentenced in the public eye without getting to defend myself of call any witnesses myself it does something to me.   I really do not think they know what they have done or what door to what dark room they have opened in my mind.   When you are loyal to someone and do the best you can for them at the expense of your own health and ask nothing in return the very least you should get back from them is some loyalty and gratitude.  

     Know what else makes me mad?   People who get in these little parenthood clicks.   They think if you do not have any children of your own you know nothing about children.   Apparently they have forgotten you used to be one and can still remember what hurt you when you were.    It is funny you need a license to drive a car, ride a motorcycle, hunt, fish, even your dog needs a license but you can be a parent without one.    Anyone with a hoping egg can be a mother.   Any guy that can park his baby maker can have a child, and the pool child has nothing to say about it.   Just because you have a child does not automatically make you a good parent, but way too often other parents think it does.   They will jump to the defense of another parent even if they know the children are not happy or well taken care of just because they have all had kids.

   Ok that is enough for now but I may be expanding on any of these subjects in the future.

     Have you ever thought that the cards were stacked against you, that someone was deliberately trying to keep you from being all you could be or doing all you could do.   That is how I feel right now.   I spent all night trying to help my friends only to come out on the losing end because the cards were stacked against me.   I have come to one conclusion it was an exercise  in futility.   You only have 2 choices when the cards are stacked against you.   You can take the loss or give up the game.   As I sit here crying over a game that does not matter a bit, I choose to give up the game.   If I can not get a fair deal I will just not play the game anymore.   Let those that do not mind being cheated play the game I will find a new game to play.     No need to allow mean spirited people to ruin your good time.

     As the old year comes to an end and a new one approaches it comes the time for reevaluations.   As I look back on the year past I look for things I can change in the year to come.   What do I need to change?  What do I want to change?  What have I learned about the people I thought I knew only to be surprised by things they have done, and how do I keep from getting hurt by the same people again.  

     There are those that think just because you can not see the person on the other side of the computer that they have no feelings.   I asked someone tonight if someone betrays you what do you do?   She said you cut them lose.   I am not the type to give up on someone I call my friend just because they have hurt me.   However I do need to shield myself from being hurt by them again.   I may do this by not telling them as much as I once did.   The dictionary defines a friend as one attached to another by affection or esteem.  It is true in fact I once had a lot of both for this person and much trust also.   It is written a trust broken can never be mended.   I do not agree with that I say a trust broken although you may mend it will never be as strong as it was before it was broken.   The Golden Rule says DO ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO ONTO YOU.  I just wonder how my friend would feel if I did onto her as she has done onto me.   We had made an agreement long ago that what she and I said to one another was to remain between us, and this is the second time she has done something like this to me.   I now fear I may be forced to not talk about as many things with her as I have in the past as I no longer know what she will choose to tell others.

     One can choose to dwell on the bad things and those who have hurt you in the past or they may choose to remember them but not allow them to have ay effect on your future life. I think I may try that road.   This is my life so why should I allow someone that does not care about my feelings make me cry.   It is also written: Those that would make you cry are not worthy of your tears, and those that are worthy would never make you cry.  

     For now I choose to trust in the friends who have never let me down and cling to them at this time of year.   It is those that have never let me down that will help me thorough the worst the new year can offer.   It has been so very long sense I have been really happy at this time of year.   What is that line from a Christmas carol something like what is Christmas but a time for finding yourself another year older?  

    Have you ever wondered what is someone motives for doing something?   I finally received a long awaited vacation last night, but the timeing is not good.  I think the motovation of my boss was to give me the time off i earned.   But I think his second in command who is also his wife may have had a different motive for wanting me to take the time off now rather then in Dec like I had planned.

     She and i had a few words just houfs before I was imformed my vacation time had come through.  coincidence?  Maybe.   Or just maybe it was more of a disaplinary action because my attitude was not appriciated,   I may never know for sure what is the whole truth.   The thing is i really need to keep busy and my mind off my personal things right now, and having nothing to do only gives me more time to think about the things that stressed me out in the first place.     Everyone has their own motives for everything they do and i may never know the truth.

     So I sit around and worry about my nephew how is that helpful to anyone?   If the intentions were pure and they were really trying to help they picked the worst possible time to do it.   Guess I will just go to bed.   In the words of Scarlet   I will think about that tomorrow.