I think it is ridiculous that I was asked to apologize to someone for pointing out that a remark they made that covered all my friends also covered the name caller themselves.   I was told to apologize and maybe I would get something I was allegedly going to get before I said what I said.   I say allegedly cause nothing was said to me prior to my statement about it.   I really hate people calling my friends names when they are not there to defend themselves.   And when they do not like being included it the same group they just called a name they get ugly.   I was told I am useless.   The thing is if I am so useless how is it  have produced the most of the product for the group.   Know what if I am so useless maybe I should become just that and stop- all production   then maybe we would see how useless I am.

     Or maybe I should start my own company and run  them out of business sense I was also told they do not trust me why not make it true,

     How can you call someone your friend that deliberately hurts your feelings?   I have some people in my live that I used to call my friends.   Lately I am beginning to wonder how I can still call them my friends when they are deliberately hurting my feelings?     Not only was I told that I was useless and I was not trusted and I could leave, but even more so I had something I had wanted very much dangled in front of me and pulled away.   The thing is because when the revelation came was after a fight I do not know if it is real or if it was just said to hurt me more.   I wanted this with all my heart a couple months ago but I came to the realization I would never get it a couple weeks ago so I gave up hoping.  For them to bring it up tonight after a fight hurts worse, and part of the things that were said were said to hurt on purpose. 

     How do you go from being always in someone's heart, and being a very special person that never should forget that and being loved in January to being useless and not trusted and sent away in June?  

     I really got to stop caring.  I need to figure out how to brake my give a damn.   If I did not give a damn maybe my heart would not hurt so much.  

     Friends can fight and get over it, but real friends even when they are mad have certain lines they do not cross because it will hurt their friends too much.   Fighting with a friend is one thing totally destroying a friend is another.

     Wanna hear something ironic I am in possession of a little info that would have made someone's day, and because of the deliberately hurtful words that were spoken to me tonight no one will ever know what I know.

     I AM SO SICK OF THIS DOUBLE STANDARD BULL.   I say something people assume it is about them and I get reamed, but you let one of these dang men in my circle do something more damaging to the club and they get away with it.   The part that hurts the worst here is the one woman that could make a stand on the subject thinks it is ok.   Now how is it ok for me to get reprimanded for something that never mentioned anyone but myself and others to get away with what they have been saying.   I am so tired of this crap.   The girls do all the work and the guys have all the top positions.   Maybe it is time for me to do what the guys have been doing and sit on my hands and get drunk.  Is it any wonder I have been depressed for months?   Now I am sitting here crying over something that should not matter.   The day things stop mattering to me is the day EVERYONE BETTER WATCH THE HELL OUT.  That will be the day I start digging up bones.   Either that or I will just walk away from everyone and everything.   I have been thinking a lot about doing that lately.   I am starting to see it is not worth me making myself sick to try to appease people who do not give a care about my feelings.